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Thursday, September 3, 2009

HNT: er, no, not now, thanks.

Seeing all the lovely offerings for HNT today makes me a bit sad. I don't mind talking about my thoughts, experiences, and fantasies, but I don't believe I'll ever be to the point where I'd be comfortable with posting nekkid (or half-nekkid) photos of myself on the Interwebnets.

For one thing I'm not in the best shape. Thirty-five pounds overweight for my height, and nobody wants to see that. Women look good even when they're carrying extra weight, guys do not, in my humble opinion. For another thing, I'm firmly of the belief that one should never post anything on the Interwebs that you don't mind the entire world at large seeing. Again, I don't have a problem with putting my writings here, because I use only pseudonyms and include no real identifying info, but pictures, on the other hand, provide a wealth of info and can come back to bite you. So....for now, no HNT photos from me, I'm afraid. ***

The main reason I'm sad, though, and the main reason I'm not sharing HNT photos, is because I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and realized I'm really not happy with the way I look anymore. And that hurts a lot. See, I've never had a bodybuilder physique, even when I was regularly working out and practicing martial arts -- my frame just doesn't support it -- but I was always in good shape. And while I'm no Brad Pitt, nor am I the most well-hung guy around, for the past fifteen years I've always been quite content and comfortable with my body, my looks and the way I reflected in a mirror when nude.

Fifteen-plus years of desk work and not enough exercise, though, have eroded that on a very gradual slope, and when I saw myself today I realized I just don't like what I see. No, I'm not grossly overweight, I don't weigh 300 pounds, but I AM thirty-five pounds overweight. This is a blow on several levels -- first of all the general discontent from that, and secondly because I fought so hard with my self-image through my teenage years. (Hell, don't we all?) I was into my early 20s before I realized hey, I was pretty good-looking after all, and got to be comfortable with who and what I was. I don't feel that way anymore, though. It's time to get serious about losing this weight so I can be comfortable in my own skin again. Because really, that's the most important thing.

There will be more cheerful and sexy content here later today, because I had a nice dream last night and I think I'll share that one. Still, I wanted to get this out now, so nyah. 

*** Disclaimer: I make no value judgments about those who are brave enough to post HNT photos. I have nothing but admiration for all of you. I am just not sanguine about the whole process myself. If you do want to see who's playing today, why not drop by Osbasso's to find out? 

-- PB

8 comments:

Luna Mauvaise said...

Aww man. :(

Seriously, self-image is a tough bear to wrestle with. Seems it doesn't matter what anyone else says, you will always see what you see in the mirror.

You *could* do more anonymous shots, like just your hand or a toe or something...if you wanted to participate. I am sure no one would notice a few extra ounces on those. ;)

xoxo
~Luna

The Panserbjørne said...

Yeah, Osbasso's guidelines are very open about what constitutes "HNT", so yeah, I could certainly just post a hand or a toe or a jeans-clad leg -- but that's BORING, and that's worse than no post at all. :)

The excess weight really just shows on my belly and perhaps a hint of it in my face, which is rounder than it should be. Thank god I'm not to the point where my FINGERS are fat. I'd be on a crash diet long before that.

And to be honest, nobody's ever said anything unpleasant to me. I've always been my own worst critic.

-- PB

Luna Mauvaise said...

We are all our own worst critics, PB. And I could think of a few parts that wouldn't bore me at all. ;)

*wicked grins*

The Panserbjørne said...

Well, isn't it written somewhere, "Never say never"? Maybe someday. Maybe I'll get fancy with the filters in Photoshop and just make it very artistic (and, incidentally, completely blurring any identifiable info). We shall see....

-- PB

AlwaysArousedGirl said...

I did HNT for many months. I also review porn for a living. :)

No matter how overweight you might think you are, someone wants to see it.

Also, the really interesting thing about HNT is NOT the raw nudity. You can find more naked with a couple mouse clicks.

The really interesting thing about HNT is what else you reveal. Are your hands holding some significant object? Is there a pile of books next to your toe? Do you write about a unique scar on your knee?

:)

The Panserbjørne said...

Also good points. I may yet decide to join in. I guess we'll see. :)

Thanks for the comment!

-- PB

frances said...

what a great post. so honest and full of real emotion. i see that since this posted you've gotten some hnts out. hooray for us! super sexy ones no less. (i still love the panserwood one. witty and sexy at the same time.) does this mean you are feeling better with the state of you lately then? i shall read on and see if you say...

The Panserbjørne said...

Frances: Ask me again after the new year (after which I shall be undertaking a diet and exercise program).

-- PB