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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

TMI Tuesday: Cheating, Infidelity, Wandering Eyes, Et Cetera

Her: I saw you flirting with her. Cheater!
Him: It’s not cheating if we don’t have intercourse.

1. You have been separated from your significant other for six months. An attractive, attentive neighbor has paid you flattering attention. It is obvious he/she wishes to take the relationship further. Do you:
a. Dismiss him/her, you’re in a committed relationship.
b. Continue to flirt, but go no further.
c. Fantasize about him/her, but take care of your sexual needs solo.
d. Let the affair become physical.

Most likely a combination of A and C if I find them that attractive, but unless I had discussed it with my significant other ahead of time, I'd make no overt moves to let it become physical. Simply being separated from your partner for a time, unless you have an open relationship, isn't sufficient reason to sleep with someone else. More on this in a bit.

2. A male co-worker whom you have heard is great in bed and very well endowed has been flirting with you a lot. He obviously wishes to start a relationship. Do you:
(This question is for women AND men).

a. Make it clear to him you’re not interested.
b. Flirt with him but go no further
c. Mentally undress him and wonder what he’d be like in bed.
d. Let the relationship become sexual.

This one's easier. A, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don't date (or sleep with) coworkers, ever. There are just too many opportunities for things to go horribly wrong if the relationship disintegrates. Secondly, although I'm plenty bicurious nowadays, I'm still a virgin as far as guys are concerned, and I think I'd rather have my first experience with a guy be as part of a threesome with a girl. Thirdly, see above re: committed relationship with my significant other (again, more on this in a bit).

3. Your significant other is impotent most of the time, showing little interest in you and little interest in being sexual. Do you:
a. Resign yourself to no sex.
b. Satisfy your needs with masturbation
c. Find someone who can satisfy you sexually but remain with your significant other
d. Leave him or her

Okay, now we're starting to hit close to home, because this has more or less been my own situation for the past year and a half. I started this journal in 2009 because I was upset with our lack of a sex life and her apparent disinterest in doing anything about it. Our sex life has dwindled to practically nothing, I'm always the initiator when we DO have sex, there's absolutely no variety, and in general I'm feeling unwanted and undesirable. I've talked to her but the discussions have always been unsatisfying and one-sided. I would have cut loose long ago if it weren't for the fact that many other things in the relationship weren't

So, basically, I HAVE had to resign myself to no sex, or to satisfying myself with masturbation and/or erotic stories and/or porn. Also, as open as I might be to the idea of an open relationship where both of us are free to sleep with whomever we choose, I know for a fact that SHE is not and would never be open to such an idea, so option C is out. The only remaining option is D, and it's looking more and more these days as if that will be the final choice if she continues to refuse to work on the problem.

4. The last time you and your mate had sex, were you:
a. Concentrating mostly on him/her, and you didn’t even orgasm
b. Thinking about your pleasure and theirs.
c. Concentrating mainly on your own pleasure.
d. Used his/her body as a tool to reach your own orgasm.

Concentrating on her. I was giving her oral (three orgasms' worth, in fact). When I finished, she didn't offer to reciprocate, so I didn't get any of my own pleasure (except the pleasure I always get from pleasing her). Unfortunately this has become an all too common scenario lately.

5. What kind of partner do you prefer while making love or having sex?
a. Tender, loving, slow and sweeet
b. I don’t care, just do me; it’s been a while
c. Tough, take-charge, I like it a little rough
d. Any lovin’ is good lovin’

D is definitely the answer here. I like all kinds of variety in sex. Slow and steady and sweet. Hard and rough. Animalistic and ripping clothes. Quickies sandwiched in between other things. Morning sex. Shower sex. Marathon sex. Role playing. Anything and everything goes, as far as I'm concerned. As long as both partners are enthusiastic, it doesn't matter what kind of sex it is; it's going to be fun.

Bonus: Do you mind if your significant other ogles/checks out another sexy person? What if they comment on that person, do you mind that?

Not in the least. This used to upset me, but over the years I've grown more secure with myself. I know there are plenty of other attractive guys out there besides me, but I'm the one she's going home with at the end of the day. Why should I be upset?

Besides, as I mentioned, I really wouldn't mind if she went so far as to actually sleep with the guy. As long as she talked about it with me in advance, and played safely and responsibly, as far as I'm concerned, she's welcome to do as she pleases.  I don't own her. 

Bonus, Bonus: What are your thoughts on the TMI Tuesday image above and the caption beneath it?

I'm in full agreement with the guy. It isn't cheating if there's no sex involved. Flirting is harmless. Looking is harmless. Besides, if I don't care if you look, why should you care if I look? As the great troubadour Jimmy Buffett notes in his song "Bank of Bad Habits":

A picture's worth a thousand words, just ask a cameraman
And it's no sin to stop and look, I do it when I can
But you have to purge that urge to merge, you have to keep your head
Or trouble is what you will find inside some stranger's bed

The bottom line is: whether I'm up for an "open" relationship or not, my partner isn't. So I can look, and I can flirt, and I can write sexy fantasies or stories, but when all's said and done, I'm still loyal to her, even if we are having problems.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!


Anonymous said...

2. I like your in-depth, honest response.

3. Frank, and with explanation. Great answers.

4. Awww. For me, many times the most pleasure is derived from pleasing my lover.

5. I am glad you clarified that as long as both partners are enthusiastic. Without this what's the point.

I enjoyed your TMI Tuesday,


Anonymous said...

Love your answer: "I know there are plenty of other attractive guys out there besides me, but I'm the one she's going home with at the end of the day." You are right!

I agree that flirting and looking are harmless. Love those J. Buffett lyrics you posted. Very true.

Mystique said...

Do you mind if your significant other ogles/checks out another sexy person? What if they comment on that person, do you mind that?
I'm with you on that in terms of looking when in the streets. It does take a good amount of self confidence, though some people are just really sensitive that some self restraint wouldn't go amiss at times for a little peace between a couple. :\

What else am I frowning about?
(And you're own man, I'm curious to know more into your reasoning/feelings behind some of your answers)

"I don't own her, she can sleep with whoever as long as she tells me in advance"
Well if the relationship is open and both are free to go wherever, then fine, otherwise I wouldn't see monogamy as 'to own someone'.

You kinda 'own' each other; or rather, it's a mutual surrender to each person together with all the trust, love, hope, fears, and habits good and bad. :)

As for the looking and flirting.
It's a similar situation some people had with 'my man watches more porn than spends time with me' etc etc.
If one is hiding their activity and projecting their desires onto other source while actually having intimacy/emotional issues with their actual partner than no, cheating isn't only a form of the physical act, there’s emotional too.
Depends where your heart and mind are and while it seems you can stick by the lines you draw in your case Panser, for many it all blurs and before they know it, one 'harmless' secret look or flirt here or there has developed into their object(s) of desire going elsewhere. Their thoughts and feelings are hardly into the actual relationship that they're having trouble with anymore, all this takes away synergy away from the partner.

Grey area matter, but short of a couple openly checking out naked pictures or both being aware of each other's activities and are fine, when one is left in the dark, it starts going wrong from there.
(Or the issue at hand deteriorates)
In your case however, given that you’ve given us so much ‘panser history’ which details how you grew and matured sexually, where you’re stuck now is, if not already been draining and sucking you dry (pun partially intended), that option D (split) may seem a sad but inevitable reason.
I do hope things somehow resolve somewhere and I actually admire that you’ve physically not gone elsewhere but I wonder how much of your heart and thoughts remain tied to your partner or has it died its natural death…

Which brings me to one question. If you were in a happy, sexually fulfilling relationship, do you think you could still write the fantasies that you do since you’d actually be living them anyways, there’d be no need for an outlet, right?

110% agree on the sex question, variety is the spice of life and surely people try different things depending on what mood strikes between a couple with good chemistry :)